Mop-Up RAW 8.7.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
Found this one while I was archiving old columns...
"Hey Chris, I am a Scoops Reader since july 97 , I don't know since when you make your mop-ups but today was the first time that I read your material. I heard a lot about you, from Al Isaacs, Carrie Messantonio and someone else that I can't even remember and I was looking really forward to read your stuff and I have to say that it's good. But you try to hard to be funny and your gay jokes were redundant but all in all....it's.....good. But, like the big time TV writer said.... Zimmerman kick your ass. Amically, Dave (Sorry for the spelling, I'm a french canadian)"
dave gagnon daveg@globetrotter.qc.ca
*gasp* ET TU, BRUTE!?!?!?!?!?!?! TRAITOR!!!!! THERE IS A TRAITOR IN OUR MIDST!!!!!!
I get the little squirt into SCOOPS AND THIS IS HOW HE PAYS ME BACK?????
I get this... this... BENEDICT ARNOLD INTO REAL WRESTLING SHOW AND THIS IS HOW I AM REWARDED??? JUDAS!!!!!!!
Well, in all fairness... this WAS written over two years ago. He was probably drunk when he wrote it too.
Hi. I'm the Internet Hooligan (as coined by Dave Scherer) and this is the Door Stop. Lots of small things to get to, then we recap, then I close, then I say goodbye, then I listen to all of you bitch about how I lost "it".
For opening notes, I thought I'd quickly gloss over a bunch of small things, ten in all... some interesting, some not. Feel free to scroll down to the actual recap if you wish. I won't mind, you're "unique visit" has already been registered.
First: I had a conversation with an "Oracle" who told me about the "nTo"... I'm fascinated... someone get Tom Caroll, or Tom Carrol, or Tom Carroll, or Tom Carole, or Tom Carolle, or Tom Carrole or even Tom Carrolle to hook me UP!! I won't even make any posts... I just want to watch OTHER people make fun of all the guys I make fun of for a change. CRZ will back up my inclusion. The beauty is, if I'm turned down and summarily goofed on (I hear it happens, from time to time)... I won't know about it because I'm not even allowed in to see!! Plus, 80% of the audience here has no clue what I'm talking about! I can't lose!
Second: Scaia pimped himself and Wrestleline out over some new "Net Awards" deal. I checked it out and saw that I was nominated for a category. Since Scaia's the only moron who mentioned this, despite NUMEROUS names and sites up for an award... I will keep silent about it until I know it's a legit thing, and not some half ass scam of some sort. The funny part is, Scaia already sort of accepted the award and thanked the producers of Wrestleline for their hard work, like the true suck job that he is.
Third: (deleted due to lack of room)
Fourth: THIS week's AAT deals with House shows and a pretty cool way to "spice them up". Take a read and see how interesting the idea is. It's right over at the 411 columns section. Hell, it might still be on the front page. Future AAT's will be about Sting, loyality, a sequel to the "Road", a sequel to "What Would Jesus Do, and Backyard Wrestling. I only tell you this in advance to show that unlike 99.9% of these Web Douchebags, I actually plan out my columns in advance.
Fourth: (side bar) In the AAT article, I erroneously said that Hulk Hogan put over RAY Rougeau in Canada... where it was really JACQUES Rougeau who got the clean pin. You'd be surprised at how hard it is to research minor stuff like that on the Web.
Fifth: I finally refreshed my old Mop-Ups. By "refreshed", I mean that I transferred them all to a new Wordpad text, deleted all the extraneous clutter (such as old e-mails), and labeled them up to see exactly how many I've lost to errors and damaged floppies. The final prognosis: This is my 132nd Mop-Up. I have 86 stored. Which means, there are 46 columns gone forever. 4F-ing6... including the last 9 I did for SCOOPS. Now THAT'S a damn shame. I also have some funny letters thrown in there, just to throw back in people's faces at the right time (like I just did with Gagnon)... including a nice love letter from none other than Sean Sh... AHH just kidding... from Brian Sullivan!
Sixth: I also had to cut and paste up all my columns off ScoopThis because THAT disc erased all of my old ones too. I'd like to apologize to all the folks who had to wade through the annoying page breaks that STc loaded the first few columns with... I finally realized what a pain in the ass it was to wait out those things. If I had known, I would have bitched about it MUCH sooner. No wonder my readership took a nose-dive. It's a wonder I have any audience left at ALL!
Seventh: For those who thought the little 17 year old who talked about giving head last week was some sort of slut, I would like to poiint out that earlier yesterday, she was thoroughly disgusted when I asked her if her boyfriend ever took her to the movies and gave her the old "Popcorn trick". Yes, she asked for a description. I will give YOU the description SOMEWHERE in the Nitro Mop-Up... so you have to check it out in order to find it. I also rip on Madden and his Mother a LOT... so any Madden haters will LOVED the Nitro Mop-Up. Oh... and yes, before you accuse me of trying to get away with it, I FULLY admit to learning the mechanics of the "Popcorn Trick" from Howard Stern. (Funny, 3 days after Stern talked about it.. that dickface Mancow talked about it... I guess Stern time traveled three days and stole the idea from this fudge packer.)
Eighth: That 17 year old girl, "Emily"... well, Amanda is her REAL name... she now watches wrestling because she wants to understand my column a lot better. (as if that will help), So, I can now state without hesistation, that I am accountable for bringing in at least ONE new reader to 411. I probably helped the site lose 50... but screw it... 411 HAS NOTORIETY NOW!!!!
Ninth: I'm still picking Rudy the Seal to win the whole "Survivor" she-bang... which now is REALLY cooking for me now that it's down to 5 people. If that Colleen gets any cuter, I may have to hunt her down and rape her mouth.
Tenth, (finally)... the closer is a few sets of ballsy questions that I am daring you to ask your favorite wrestler when you get a chance. Seems that we see more and more wrestler interviews all of the place... but the problem is, these Interviewers are so lame, intimidated, and in LOVE with their subject... they only ask bullshit questions. Well, the closer has some ideas. It's gosh darn funny... I think. So check out the Nitro recap, I also totally dissect the Russo "shoot", but I didn't transcribe it . Lots of shots at Madden's mother too.
Okay? Have I covered everything? I guess... sure. Then, it's time to do the thing I do when I'm not doing myself or my woman, duly. Time to pass the contents of both shows through the digestive track of my soul and crap out the results!! Time to slam bang this puppy right up'er chin chang and swoozle my lutz all over her haggedy mush!!! BY GOD!!! IT'S THE TOP OF A BRAND NEW COLUMN AND I'M FEELING NO PAIN!!!
Jeezus... time to stop dicking around
RAW IS WAR (or: Long Live the F-ING KING!!!)
-Opens with the ending to NASH BRIDGES!!! Fare thee well Walker... we hardly (reallycouldnotgivearipshitabout) knew ye.
-quick... whoever can correctly guess many facelifts Don Johnson has had since "Miami Vice" will receive a FREE copy of the Surveillance tape that shows Don buying gay porn at a Adult Video Store. Although he must have first stopped at a regular video store and picked up a Wrestling tape... how ELSE can you explain one of his selections having Hunter Helmsley on the cover?
-"Nash Bridges" is produced by "Don Johnson Productions"... I will send Amanda to YOUR house for a "personal lesson" if YOU can find ANYTHING else that "Don Johnson Productions" actually produces.
-WWF is one world. If you do as they say, that one world will be run by Right Wing conservatives... feel free to start sweating. Try not to get raped ladies, because you won't be allowed to get rid of the fetus.
-Last week's highlights dealt with the week before, so it would follow suit that THIS week's highlights deal with LAST week.
-I still get squirmy seeing HHH on top of Trish like that... yes indeed, he DID move his buttocks around a bit.
-HHH is LIVID at the sight of Angle hugging Stephanie... look at those nostrils FLARE!! Ooops, there goes someone's baseball hat... right up the damn thing.
-Backstage, we see Stephanie pacing back and forth with her WWF Chick belt... now it's HER turn to wait for her mate. The question beckons, "How many cows had to die in order for her to fit into those leather pants?
-Another question... if the cows that donated their hides for her pants had "Mad Cow Disease"... will Stephanie catch a case of "Mad Vagina Disease"? Will it grow teeth? Tentacles? Tentacles WITH teeth?
-I'd still do her... even WITH tentacles with razor sharp teeth... like Wolverine, my pecker is laced with adamantium... I can take it.
-opening theme. If they finally take Austin out of this montage... then you'll know that his Doctor advised him that jumping in front of a train filled with AIDS patients is safer than entering a wrestling ring again. Expect numerous Internet "Tributes" to follow. Expect them all to sound exactly alike.
-Fireworks and fans welcome us to New York, New York. In the famous Madison Square Garden... which is more oval than square... isn't even really NEAR Madison Avenue... and the only "plant" in this "Garden" is all the doobage that is no doubt being enjoyed in various stalls and locker rooms.
-Last week, they invaded the heart of the enemy, this week... they're back at the home base. Oh yes my friends... the psychological war still rages
-ah yes... New York, where there are now an officially incalculable number of rats... all the size of a Chihuahua... they all travel in packs, and now CHASE people. Which tells me that I can NEVER live there. Jesus, I see a mouse and I'm on top of my chair screaming like a little girl.
-I once fainted when a spider crawled up my arm... if a pack of rats chase me, I may just drop dead.
-and if a pack of BLACK rats start chasing me... I'm throwing my wallet AND my girlfriend at them.
-Incidentally... the raccoon whom I dumped a full mug of Bleach on two weeks ago has YET to reappear. Unfortunately... no matter how much Bleach I throw at the Corpses of my Mother and Grandmother... I can't stop THEIR Ghosts from re-appearing... tormenting me... nagging me... harassing me... ordering me around... yes mommy... yes Nana... I'll cut her titties off... I'll burn that house down... yes.. just get OUT OF MYHEADFORONCEAND LETMEHAVEAMOMENTOFGODDAMSILENCEPLEASEOPLEASEOPLEASE
-We see that "WWF New York" is PACKED... or at least the 20 people in there all jammed up in front of the camera.
-Jim Ross asked Jerry Lawler if he can "feel it"? Lawler told him to keep his doughy ass hands to himself or he WON'T save his bacon later on in the show.
-The ROCK came out... obviously, no one told him that GWB likes to watch the Brothers "ride the lightening".
-Yeah, getting mainstream press is all well and good... being treated with respect by none other than TOM BROKAW is just fine... but this company will NOT beat WCW until they GET OFF THEIR ASSES AND CHALLENGE JOHN ROCKER TO A MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!!!!! Come ON Vince... it's time to get SERIOUS with all this.
-Rocky hits the ring... he puts the mic to his mouth...
-Then drops it fast and looks around... his eyebrows wrinkle up. I'm sure he's thinking, "Jeeze, lotta Jews in this place!"
-Rocky does NOT say "finally...". He must HATE New York. Who wouldn't?
-Nobody would. New York RULES!!! New York Pizza is the BEST. and it's WAAAAY better than that Chicago deep dish SOUP that you need a SPOON to get through.
-Rocky whined about Shane McMahon making it possible for Benoit to pin him last week... because of course, Benoit could have NEVER gotten it down on his own... because Benoit is a VANILLA MIDGET!!!! (My GOD!!!! WILL HE EVER GET A BREAK???)
-Rocky muses that Shane might THINK that Benjy deserves the WWF title... Shane might THINK Benoit at least deserves a title shot at SummerSlam... Shane might THINK it's foolish... this chance at a rendezvous... Shane might THINK I'm crazy... all I want is YOU! (God Bless Ric Ocasik... God Bless ultra vague references... God Bless cheesy ass videos)
-Well, the Rock thinks... then he puts his mic down... letting the silence speak volumes... finally... subtle gestures that cater to the intelligent viewers out there... the WWF KNOWS THAT A SIMPLE NOD... AND SIMPLE GESTURE... CAN SAY SO MUCH MORE THAN THE OVERUSED, OVERTAXED "I'M GONNA GET YOU" PROMO!!! WELCOME TO THE NEW MILLENIUM... WELCOME TO THE NEW WWF!!!!
-Rocky puts the mic back up and says that he can give a New York Sewer Rat's ass about what Shane thinks... (*sigh... same old crap... same old nonsense)
-Sewer rats? My God... VINCE RE-SIGNED BAD NEWS BROWN AND NOBODY HAS REPORTED IT???? HOW'D THEY SNEAK THIS PAST THE ALL SEEING EYES OF FRITZ CRAPP????
-Y'know... those Sewer Rats of Brown's MIGHT have been scary if we didn't see Bad News sneak his arm behind the basket and SHAKE those stuffed animals to make them look FIERCE... of course.. he always shook them too hard and they usually looked like they were having epileptic seizures.
-Rocky told the White boys to forget about SummerSlam... he ain't waiting that long. There will be NO MORE "back and forth", NO MORE "tit for tat" (*gasp*... HE CAN'T SAY THAT!!!).
-Instead... F-it... let's do it right here, right now!!!
-Out comes Shane McMahon and Chris Benoit. The wrong one had the mic.
-"Rocky... the entire WORRRRLLLD knows... that at Fully Loaded... I beat yewww... for the Worldwrestlingfederationnn.... TITLLLLE.... ALLLL... BYYYYY...myself."
-Plodding forward, "OnLEE... tohavethettileSTRIPP'T... bycommissionerFOLEEEEE"
-butthat'sOKAAAAY... becausebyacceptingyourchallenge TONIGHT... (he paused... amazed at the first real heel pop he's EVER gotten in the WWF... yes indeed buddyboy... that's what it feels like! So flustered was he, that he repeated himself)... becausebyacceptingyourchallenge TONIGHT... it gives me the chance to BEATYEWW...
-Then he flubbed a BIG line... "and until you prove me WRONG... BECOME... THE WWF.. CHAMPION!!!"
-Shane McMahon didn't just take the microphone away from Benoit... he FLEW his arm over and YANKED the thing away. Shane has the Sixth Sense too... but those prickly things he feels on the back of his neck are all the TV viewers who click to Nitro while Benoit is awkwardly plowing through his script.
-I'm waiting for the "Sexth Sense"... which features Ron Jeremy looking into the camera and whispering, "I F**K Dead People" (thanks to that special someone for the joke... no, not Al Isaacs)
-Shane tried to salvage the remaining audience by screaming, "WHOAWHOAWHOAHEYHEYHEY"
-Shane sez that as luck would have it, Benoit brought his gear with him and yes, there CAN be a title match for tonight.. (I ain't sure I actually HEARD a... oh, right... I did). So long as there's one.. small.. stipulation... which he will get to when he's damn good and ready.
-FIRST... Shane showed us highlights from last week where Shane FLEW his chair into Rocky's head. Give Shane credit... the boy puts ZIP into his spots.
-Yes, Benoit won on Thursday... and yes, Benoit will win tonight... and... and... of this is so PONDEROUS man... so PONDEROUS (I want someone out there to use their F-ING brain and not have me come out of an Up-Tempo song with a DEATH DEDICATION!!!)
-In a related note/obscure reference... "Please... don't tell me what to do... it sickens me"
-SPOCK!! SABOTAAAGE THE SYSTEM!!!
-Rocky is in for a lot of trouble tonight... much like what Kane went through at Smackdown
-and as luck would have it... they have VIDEO FOOTAGE
-Oh, and that special stip... it's a No DQ match tonight for the WWF title.
-Rocky was cool with it... Rocky gets No DQ, Shane McMahon has No IQ, Chris Benoit, with his goofy gap in his teeth, never be on the cover of GQ (oh man... brother is REACHING)
-News update: That fake tooth Benoit used a few weeks ago has been reported "missing"... Nancy Sullivan refuses to submit to a full cavity search.
-Rocky ain't gonna lose the belt... but if we are lucky, he might wipe a pair of candy asses all over NYC. (Don't the cops do that?)
-Rocky wrapped up.
-Ross is shocked by this development... Lawler slams TWO cliches together and says that Shane ALWAYS has a "stiff upper sleeve" (huzza?)
-Backstage, Commissioner Foley is using a fork lift as an office. Kurt Angle comes on the scene... Angle asked if Foley heard the news about Rocky vs Benoit?
-Foley said, "yes, I did Kurt!!" Then said that this should have been saved for SummerSlam but the Hell with it! Let's give it to Madison Square Garden!"
-Then Angle asked Foley if he ever tried Newspaper advertising for just a few bucks a day in order to make MILLIONS?
-Foley said no, he was too busy marveling at his brand new set of non-stick pans he bought for just four EASY payments of $24.99.
Angle wanted a WWF title shot at SummerSlam. Foley tried not to laugh in his face. He said he's think it over.
-Angle leaves... camera pans up and starts to fade... some mook creamed too early and said, "OUT" before we left for the night's first set of...
-commercials... "Godzilla 2000"... which is both the NAME of the movie... and the apparent budget. (I think I said that once already?)
-Stufferfannyinsdemleatherpants is on hand to greet her husband... She's all sorts of apologetic... HHH doesn't want to hear it. HHH has decided not to mix business with home anymore and they will deal with this LATER... Hunter just wants to go see Foley for now.
-X-Pock comes out. Ross proudly announces that this night is the 17th consecutive sell-out for the WWF at MSG. It WOULD have been the 52nd consecutive sell out were it not for the time Vince went nuts and decided to ban anyone named "Schwartz" from entering the building...
-Rikishi comes out. What is X-Pac THINKING?
-The bell rang. 'Kishi was wearing a black shirt... obviously because black hides his fat.
-X-Pac with a rapid flurry of punches and spin kicks into the corner... IT'S DAVID VS GOLIATH AS RAW ENTERTAINS AND PREACHES AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!!
-X-Pac goes for the Sunset Flip. Then wises up and rolls away.
-X-Pac with more kicks. Ross says that the Pac has "come to fight tonight"... as opposed to the OTHER nights where he just comes to play cribbage?
-X-Pac with the Bronco Buster
-Eventually... as with ALL Big Men vs Little Man match ups since this F-ing charade started.. the Big Man will inevitably stop selling. This was no different.
-X-Pac took an ass into the corner.
-Road Dogg was backstage, staring at a monitor.
-X-Pac went down... Rikishi looked out into the crowd. Lawler said that X-Pac was in a "precarious situation" Umm... no... a "precarious situation" is when you open your door to find that 15 year old (who swore she as 18 when you picked her up at the Mall) standing there holding a Pregnancy Kit with a big, fat blue stain in it's center and her Father next to her wearing Denim bib overalls with a shotgun in one hand and a Priest in the other while your wife is stepping out of the shower and your three young kids are asking you who these people are. My friends... THAT is a precarious situation!
-X-Pac ate the stinky face. Road Dogg was seen enjoying the moment.
-Ishikir set Cap-X for the old Corner Ass Slam. Road Dogg ran out. Fun is fun and all but... you know. X-PAC DON'T JOB!!!!!
-Rikishi took a beating.
-Mick Foley is in his office, on the phone with... someone!! (I bet it's Hogan!!! IT IS A SHOOT AFTER ALL!!!!!!)
-Then Foley starts tapping his inner thigh with his gavel... either that or the boy is HUNG!!!!
-HHH charges in and DEMANDS top be made the #1 contender at SummerSlam. He said that some cat named "Joe" told him of all the developments made this far tonight.
-Foley said that "Joe" didn't tell HHH that Kurt Angle already asked for the #1 shot... so he'll have to think all this over.
-The real question is... Joe WHO?
-the real ANSWER is... Joe Momma!
-BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA Oh I LOVE that... Joe Momma... BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
-HEY!! AREN'T YOU JOE??? JOE MOMMA??? HAWHAHWHAHHAWHAW
-'scuse me... aren't you Yuri? Yuri Tinchit? You're Russian right? BAWHAWHAWHAW
-commercials
-Hey, if you hate Malcolm X... and like two hour blocks of M*A*S*H every day... then dial
1-800-FX-FX-FX-1
-Earlier tonight, the Ho's exercised their right to peaceful demonstration. It's a case of rare common sense that they have employed the same two girls to lead this crusade each week.
-During this segment, we see a fan up front chanmting "SAVE THE HO'S" with everyone else... this fan had glasses and a blue tank top to show off his hairy, pasty, FLABBY, SO WHITE IT'S ALMOST GRAY arms... call me crazy, but that might have been Remy "The Slammer" Artiega.
-Backstage, Stephanie tries to talk to HHH again. HHH loudly bitches at her about Kurt Angle.
-HEY!!! AREN'T YOU HARRISON?? HARRISON UPENSACKMEOV?? Your friends call you "Harry", right? Harry Upensackmeov? BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!
-Stevie Richards came out with his crew. Do we even have a decent name for this crew yet?
-They come out. Stevie sez that Mayor Guiliani has done WONDERS with New York. It's much "cleaner, safer, and more acceptable for tourism". Well geeze... when your Police force starts jamming toilet plungers up the old ying yang as a means of rehabilitation, the criminal element tends to take notice and hightail it to Jersey for a spell.
-Not that I'm AGAINST the policy. By God... SODOMIZE EVERYONE!!!! LEAVE SPLINTERS IN THEIR COLON!!!!!
-I thought Disney cleaned up New York? AND WHAT OF BATMAN??? SHOULDN'T THE CAPED CRUSADER BE THANKED FOR HIS NIGHTLY MISSION TO STOP CRIME???
-Uh oh... Bull Buchanon has entered the ring with a sing. The sign is black, with a red circle/slash over a white spot... In other words... KILL WHITEY!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!! BULL HAS TURNED TRAITOR!!!!!!!
-lame... I know
-There be the Ho's. WWF Security QUICKLY yanked an Italian girl with a big, hooked nose out of camera shot... Big nose Italian girls are NOT Ho's. They're hairy.. but they ain't Ho's
-Steven announces that so long as the WWF lets them hang around and soak up all this heel heat... we can say goodbye to Gratuitous Violence, Violent Gratuity, and Gratuitous Women dressed Violently.
-Richards invites anyone to step on out and "discuss" this with them.
-The (getyourstinkingpawsoffmeyoudamndirty) DUDLEYS come out. Buh Buh has the mic... which now officially makes D-Von about as useful as a Chick's vocal cords.
-Buh Buh got on the stick and sez that New Yorkers REALLY want to see Stevie Richards get put through a table!!! (They must have took a poll... interestingly enough... Richards going through a table defeated Hillary going to the Senate by a WHOPPING 40% She NEVER should have said that she was part Jewish)
-Blowing up Harlem with an A-Bomb came in a close third.
-It's the Duds vs Good and Bull. How comes Stevie don't work? He still working that neck injury?
-D-Von gets a LITTLE spotlight as he drives his head into BOTH opponents crotches... Buh Buh included himself into the moment by doing, "WAZZZUP" both times... Brother gets NOTHING for hisself.
-3D on Bull. It's academic now.
-No it ain't. Stevie breaks it up. He gets cornered, then bodyslammed, then headbutted. Ross points out that Stevie is wearing white socks with his dress shoes, then calls him a "nerd". This coming from the Man who wears a big black cowboy hat?
-Buh Buh tells D-Von to fetch him a table... he offers a shiny quarter if D-Von can get it within 10 seconds.
-They set up the table... Buh Buh stiffs D-Von on the quarter... (JOHN JAKES NOVEL!!!!)
-Good & Bull are back in. and knock out the Dudleys. They grab the two Ho's and set them up. Well, Bull and Stevie do.
-The Goodfather stops them... well, that was quick. TIME TO BRING BACK THE GREATEST GIMMICK KAMA HAS EVER HAD!!!!!!
-The Goodfather takes a Ho and puts her through the table himself. Which... really.. IS WHAT PIMPS DO!!!! THEY HAVE GLORIFIED PIMPING, PEOPLE!!! IT'S A SICK, SICK BUSINESS!! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW "NIGHT SHIFT"?
-Backstage, Angle and Stephanie discuss Hunter's jealousy. Kurt asks if Hunter ever HIT Stephanie. Stephanie sez "only when he and Daddy spanks me"... what a sick little world they live in.
-commercials. Mick Foley asks us to register, then VOTE. DO NOT DO IT PEOPLE!!!! STAY AT HOME ON ELECTION DAY!!! IF FATU COULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN???
-There is something depressing about Foley working for the GOP. I figured him for Liberal across the boards.
-So, if GWB gets elected... what will Vince do when Stephanie has a "happy accident" while frolicking with "Uncle Lawler"? Book an "emergency" show in Canada?
-hey Kids... you can eat "Stackers" like they were Tic Tacs... if you ain't got cash and a silver tongue... you ain't getting any booty.
-Did you know we were in New York? Well, they remind us anyway.
-"Joe" (MAMEE... HAHAHAHAAA) gets HHH all riled up by saying that the locker room thinks Angle has Hunter's number... and as soon as he gets ICQ... he's POSTING THAT MUTHAA!!!!!
-Hunter throws "Joe" out. Now where is Joe going with that gun in his hand?
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-ooo boy
-WHOA!!! I bet this "Joe" will eventually be made into the guy responsible for "GTV"!!! Just a hunch
-Moments ago... well, quite frankly, moments ago I had crazy phat sex with my hand to the picture of CRZ that he has posted on his site. Look at that long, hippie hair. Okay.. so I'm a Homo... SO WHAT!!! I'M STILL A HUMAN BEING!!!! I STILL HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO LIVE IN AMERICA AND WRITE FOR THE INTERNET!!! EVERYBODY ON THE NET IS A FAG ANYWAY!!! ONLY I ADMIT IT!! WE'RE ALL GAY DAMMIT!!!
-Jesus... the entireWrestleline crew was at Ellen and Anne's wedding
-Eddie Guerrero vamooses out with Chyna.
-Chyna STILL has the phoniest smile. She looks like she HATES this gimmick.
-Too Cool came out.
-Trish Stratus led her entire stable out.
-I think this was an 8 man tagger... it got going VERY quickly with Val Venis grabbing Eddie Guerrero and piledriving him on the outside. How old am I? I remember Ray Stevens doing that to Jimmy Snuka and seeing Superfly bleed like a mouthy girlfriend... they stopped the entire show for a good 25 minutes!!! Luckily, they were able to throw in Rene Goulet use his white glove to knock out Johnny Rodz in an UNPREDICTABLE win.
-Oh... this was a 6 man match... and with Eddie out... Chyna took his place... (oh I bet Eddie was THRILLED with that... whatever happened to the guy who told Bischoff to "kiss his You-Know-What"?)
-Scotty got off the Worm early.
-Chyna was tagged and cleaned house. It's kind of tough to fight back when one f-ed up stiff shot to the face and BOOM... you're out 10 grand paying for repairs.
-speaking of which... if ANYONE reading has "Buyer's Choice" for a car warranty... BURN IT!!!! I was PROMISED FULL ENGINE COVERAGE on my Bentley...
-Then my Head Gasket Blew
-Then my brakes went.
-Guess what? Ooops... Buyer's Choice doesn't cover brake repairs... NOR does it cover Gaskets and Seals. NOR does it cover the rental.
-$1200 total. The dealer was nice enough to knock off $100 and toss in a free Oil Change... they took pity on me.
-Buyer's Choice blows.
-oh fine... it wasn't a Bentley... it was a Neon. SAME DIFFERENCE!!!
-The T & A team gave Chyna some abuse. Chyna took some NICE bumps.
-Things degenerated into a melee... meanwhile, Val got off a "Fisherman's Suplex" on Chyna. There was no ref.
-Eddie knocked Val with a Frogsplash. Val let go of the cradle
-Chyna rolled over and hit the pin. Thus far, Val has been the most unremarkable IC title holder EVER!!!!
-Backstage Joe (DeFostaizzadyke) tells Kurt Angle that HHH beats on Stephanie. Even though her Father is one of the most powerful men in the WORLD... Angle wants to handle things himself. Meanwhile, this show has been one GIGANTIC commercial for Angle's new T-shirt. It's GRAY... because NOTHING in life is black and white. It says "IT'S TRUE" in RED... to display Kurt's PASSION. It also says "IT'S TRUE" in WHITE... because Herr Angle is a RACIST SLUG... and then it says "KURT" in BLUE because... um... I don't know... he's a sad guy deep down, maybe?
-Kurt orders "Joe" to tell HHH that he sucks and he... sucks and I can't believe I'm not even out of the first frigging HOUR YET!
-commercials
-Stephanie comes out. She asks that her Husband come out for a public apology.
-She apologizes to her Husband... and announces that she and Kurt are just friends.
-Stephanie was "incredibly excited after pinning Lita" (see!! SEE!!! HER TOO!!! IT'S THE WAY OF THE FUTURE PEOPLE!!! TIME TO START WISING UP AND JOINING THE 21ST CENTURY!!!)
-Oh my GOD... this is the SAME EXACT script from last week... only the names have been reversed.
-In fact.. since I NEVER repeat myself (who am I KIDDING?)... we'll skip the Hubby/Wifey makeup session and shoot on down to...
-Stephanie saying that they have business to attend and called out Kurt Angle
-Kurt came out. Ross got on the loudspeaker and advised the crowd to put on their oxygen masks because they could very well CHOKE ON THE TENSION IN THE AIR!!!!!!
-Stephanie held HHH back. Kurt got on the mic and said that he just wanted to do what was right. (wouldn't he be F-ED if he was a southpaw?... oh... oh MAN... I... I... I am so sorry about that)
-Kurt said that there was an old expression... "In the heat of battle". Soldiers use it when they are fighting... New Yorkers use it when their running away from the cops!! (HAW!!!!)
-And athletes use it when they compete in the ring! That's ALL that happened between him and Stephanie... they got caught up in the "heat of battle".
-Kurt respects Stephanie... respects their marriage... and when Stephanie jumped into his arms last week... the ONLY THING ON HIS MIND was their friendship, and Stephanie's marriage. It's True, It's True.
-HHH took the mic. He said that Kurt may have Stephanie all fooled... but HHH knows that Kurt is FULL OF SH(BLEEP)T.
-HHH had a proposal... if Kurt ever came near Stephanie again... he was gonna...
-Stephanie pushed HHH back before it became a shoot... or maybe to give Kurt another look at her ass all wrapped up in tight leather?
-Stephanie sex bizness is bizness and if Hunter loves her... he will shake hands with Kurt...
-Foley came out.
-HOUR #2 HAS ARRIVED!!!! CHRIST ON THE CROSS!!!!
-Foley acknowledged the crowd, but wanted to get going... He said that he hates to break up tis "threesome"... which got a laugh from JR. I don't get it.
-Foley suggested that they all "examine the relevant information before making your decision" (why bother? It didn't get OJ convicted, did it?)
-We see footage from Smackdown where... well you know. Mick goofed on it.
-back to the ring, HHH tried to go after Angle again. Stephanie blocked him. Mick sez that he cares about this drama about as much as he cares about the fans (he doesn't, you know. If he did, he'd STILL BE WORKING AND STILL TAKE EVERY SINGLE INSANE BUMP UNTIL HE WAS SHATTERED INTO A BILLION PIECES!!!!! WHAT ABOUT THE FANS, MICK??? WHAT ABOUT US???)
-In short... Mick wanted to watch these two guys tear each other apart... and so they will do it.. in "Madison Square Garden" (pause... thumb up... brief laughter throughout the viewing audience)
-he booked a "Number One Contender Match"... the winner is the one who can successfully pee in the ther guy's mouth... BRILLIANT!!! Kinky, but BRILLIANT!!!
-ohandthewinnergetstheRockatSummerSlam
-Foley thanks everyone and says "Have a Nice Day"... which gets a pop
-Benoit and Shane are backstage
-Rocky is too
-commercials
-Only on "Spice" can you see a black girl with orange hair get funky with herself... I didn't even know there was a DEMAND for such programming?
-Madonna will premiere her video on FarmClub.com... every year, she smears another can of Vasoline onto the camera lens. She's up to 4 cans now.
-Chris Benwhaa(?) comes out with Shane
-The Rock comes out from behind. He sneak attacks the Canadian
-The Rock gets off a VERY quick "Sharpshooter"... (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?)
-Shane interferes and Bombs himself into Rocky.
-Rocky hits a running Powerbomb, Benoit kicks out of the pin attempt.
-Benoit hits the Atomic Suplex.. you heard me, MARKS!!!
-It spills outside. Rock makes friends with the steel steps
-back in the ring... Benoit hits a back breaker... (a move that has NEVER actually BROKEN ANY Back EVER in this sport's HISTORY!!!!!)
-Rocky fights back with... I'll be damned... PUNCHES!!!
-Rocky hits the CROSSFACE... Benoit gets out while I typed the first four words of this "-" (I should really name these things... any suggestions?)
-Rocky with a Radioative Suplex after taking TWO of the same from Benoit. Benoit's head and neck BOUNCED.
-Both men were out. Ross smelled blood and sadistically did NOT order the Ref to stop the damn match.
-"sadistically"?
-Rocky recovered and chased Shane around. Shane ran into the ring, Rocky followed and Benoit knocked him down.
-Benoit with the Flying Headbutt. He's been doing it for years, yet he STILL hurts himself off it?
-Rocky kicks out of the pin. Ross asked God how Rocky could do that? A voice rumbled from EVERYWHERE, "Because it's fake, stupid!". The Hell is God doing watching RAW?
-Rocky hits the spinebuster and hits the People's Elbow (I'm waiting for Booker to introduce the "People's Fighting Kneedrop"... I expect to stroke out in a rage immediately following.)
-Shane breaks up the pin. He produces a chair. Rocky knocks him out of the ring.
-Benoit hits the Crossface. Also called the "Crossfay" by Gordon Solie...
-Ring the damn bell... Rocky can't take it anymore
-Suddenly, Chris Jericho RUNS out and attacks Benoit He gives Benoit that Double Power Bomb on the chair. The usually professional Benoit did not really sell the pain on his face.
-Benoit chased Shane into the seats... the last time someone did that, the Big Show turned heel... JERICHO'S GOING TO JOIN THE DARK SIDE!!!!!!!!
-meanwhile, Rocky got up and hit the Rock Bottom on Benoit. It's back to the mid-card for Chuckles!!
-commercials
-Footage of what just happened.
-In the "It's the Small Things that Makes Him So Cool" dept... we see Mick Foley calmly listen to Benoit and Shane SHRIEK BLOODY MURDER over that no good interfering Jericho.
-Foley cuts in and says that Jericho WILL be punished tonight... he asks the twosome if they would like to see Jericho get the living Hell beat out of him by two world class athletes? Both men VIGOROUSLY agree!!
-So, Foley announces that Jericho will be included in that Number One Contender Match tonight... now it's a Three Way!. Shane slaps his forehead and barks, "D'OH". Benoit shakes his head, looks in the camera, and says, "Get me OUT of here Arn... PLEEEEASE!!!"
-Tazz comes out. Ross announces that this is NOT scheduled.
-BEFORE WE CONTINUE... I herebye declare, until further notice, a "MARKING OUT ALLOWANCE" period where you WILL be excused for any childish excitement... thank you.
-Tazz has a mic. He says that we are in "his home town" (Lawler quips something about "cheap heat")
-So, Tazz theorized that he has something in common with the crowd... they are all New Yorkers. (Umm... how does he know Jersey and maybe even Connecticut doesn't have representation?)
-Tazz enters the ring. He says that even though they are all New Yorkers... they don't have much else in common. See, while 99% of the crowd scapes nickels and dimes together to feed their fat kids... (umm... how can their kids be so fat if their scraping change?) Tazz is AHEAD in the Game of Life!
-Tazz encouraged booing... can't really say it worked.
-Tazz EXPECTS boos... because they are "pre-conditioned to boo the bad guy" (What year does Tazz think it IS anyway? This is the age of the "Tweener"!!)
-This pre-conditioning comes from the people being TOLD to boo... and the man responsible for this is...
-Tazz jumps out of the ring and goes over to... "JR!!" (Like a lummox... JR looks around and was like, "Me? What did I do?")
-oh no... they are ripping off Tank/Madden... WHY GODDAMMIT WHY?
-Tazz reminds JR that at Fully Loaded, he called Tazz a "piece of garbage".
-Tazz reminded JR that on RAW last week, he called Tazz "just another victim of the Stinky Face".
-Oh.. WE DO NOT NEED JR INVOLVED!!! IT NEVER WORKS!!!
-Tazz asks the Old Timer if he has a problem with him. JR mumbles a "I ain't got a problem." (oye... how humiliating)
-Tazz calls Ross "nothing but a redneck scumbag". I began to weep. Poor JR. He may be an asshole in the locker room, but he's OUR asshole.
-Ross stands up. Lawler does too. Tazz tells Lawler to sit his old ass down before he gets choked out. (hey... HEY... RESPECT THE KING!!!! DAMN YOU!!)
-Lawler sits down... somewhere in Hell Andy Kaufman would be weeping... if Satan didn't weld his eyelids shut (come on people... Kaufman laid down with WHORES!! He's roasting in Hell... right next to Hitler, Attila, and John Lennon)
-Tazz faces Ross and asks trhe crowd if they want to see JR kick Tazz's ass? The crowd popped (NO... SHUT UP, PEOPLE!!!)
-Tazz flips JR's cowboy hat off. Now THAT... I approve of.
-7 years in ECW and not ONCE did he lay a hand on Joey Styles... or maybe he did. I don't remember.
-Tazz says that JR just got punked out... and asked JR if he wants to slap him across his face?
-I'm waiting for Tazz to have a flashback and drop his pants.
-He says that he would LOVE to slap JR across the face, but it looks like "God already beat me to it!" (NOW the crowd boos... oh wow... low blow... not nice. That's usually reserved for losers like Madden... and Internet Recappers)
-JR pauses... then slaps Tazz across the face. Tazz sells the bugger.
-It's ON!!! I DON'T WANT IT... I CAN LIVE WITHOUT IT!!! I PRAYED FOR IT TO STOP!! BUT F-IT... JR'S GOING DOWN!!!
-Tazz laughs. says that he'd be THRILLED if JR (tried) did that "one more time" Then he started begging Ross to go for it.
-DAMMIT JIMMY... JUST GET IT OVER WITH.
-Tazz, "SWING, SWING SWING!!! BE LIKE JOHN WAYNE!!!"
-Ross winds up... it's gonna be a bloodbath
-A hand SHOOTS OUT... GRABS JR'S ARM... JERRY "THE F-ING KING" LAWLER POPS TAZZ RIGHT IN THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Tazz goes down... Lawler steps out and CALLS TAZZ OUT!! BRING IT ON BAD BOY!!! BRING IT ON!!!
-WWF officials charge out and break it up... it's chaos...
-25 YEARS!!!!!! 25 YEARS HE'S BEEN DOING IT!!!!!!!! FOR 25 YEARS LAWLER HAS BEEN PLOWING THOUGH EVERYONE WHO EVER STEPPED FOOT IN MEMPHIS!!!! YOU WANT IT HARDCORE??? YOU WANT IT OLD SCHOOL??? BRING IT ON YOU C-SUCKER!!! YOU AIN'T SHIT UNTIL YOU STEP UP TO THE KING!!!!! GOD BLESS THE WWF!!! GOD BLESS JERRY LAWLER!!! TAZZ IS UP TO HIS EYEBALLS IN THE SHIT NOW!!!!!!
-Now, all we need is for Lawler to step into the ring next week, break his usual character, and cut THE promo on Tazz for a SummerSlam match that WILL KNOCK US OUT OF OUR SOCKS!!!!
-Who cares if he puts Tazz over? He'll do it in STYLE!!!
-respect Lawler... or, as my little 17 year old flower, Amanda, calls him... That "Man On The Moon" guy?
-oh yeah... during all this, there was a sign behind the Announcers that read "RAW IS AMANDA"... let's NOT jump ahead of ourselves, okay?
-commercials... I herebye declare the "MARKING OUT ALLOWANCE" period to be OVER. Grow UP, doofus
-Things are back to normal as a shaken up Ross apologizes to us for his unprofessionalism. Lawler says that he never liked the guy and Tazz can mess with him whenever he wants. That rat jap bastard Ross never once thanked the King for the save.
-footage of what just happened. You gotta like the way JR mumbles as he winds up, "sassafras sumbitchprob'lygonnagetkilledforthis"
-Footage tells us that even though 1wrestling is still undecided on how much they will cover this (Oh, but when WCW starts their own Water Polo League... Ol' Bob'll dedicate HALF THE SITE to all the results!!!)... the XFL is slowly coming together.
-We see Vince admiring the new "evil colored" football. Either it's MEANT to look smeared with poop and blood... or it just was "tested" by Patterson
-and so ends my ONE Patterson joke of the week!! GOOD NIGHT!!!
-The Big Show came out with Edge and Christian.
-We see AGAIN, how Chubby Wight took out Kane last week.
-The Acolytes came out with Matt Hardy. Jeff Hardy is still recovering from... from... Oh, he's in Greenwhich Village slurping Cosmopolitans and showing off his high cheekbones to the "boys".
-Lita is trying to get her Husband out of the 14th Precinct before... well... someone decides he needs "unclogging". (why.. if David Caruso was still on the job... NONE of this would be happening!!!)
-The bell rings. E & C work on Hardy. Hardy gets a whuppin'
-Bradshaw comes out swinging.
-The Acolytes work on TBS... who's as flabby as EVER
-For the second week straight, the match ends almost as soon as it begins after TBS hits someone with a tag belt. Hardy tries for a Flying Hurricarana, but TBS turns it into a nasty powerbomb.
-Things looked bad for the Faces when...
-The UNDERTAKER RIDES OUT!!!
-E & C are quickly bitchslapped.
-UT and TBS face off. Ross presumes that this will NOT be a debate.
-UT grabs the mic and says that Bush's Social Security reforms and dedication to Education will coincide with the prospering and the growth of the Nation's tax surplus. TBS takes a mic and says Gore's stand on the environment and his support of the Right to Choose can only help continue the last few years of National Growth and low unemployment records. Ross groans and says, "Stop the damn debate!"
-Then UT chases Shane up the ramp. Shane dives off the ramp and grabs onto the side of the TitanTron frame. Bitch thinks he's a chubby Tarzan.
-UT laughs at Monkey Boy... then beefs with TBS again. UT procudes a chain, wraps it around his hand, and knocks TBS on the noggin
-Then he wraps the chain around TBS's neck, and tosses the boy off the ramp and waaay down through a table. UT pumps his fist to the crowd... and shows off a brand new tatoo on his THROAT that says "Sara"... man... this guy is NUTS.
-commercials
-footage of what just happened.
-We see Shane duck into a Limo and take off during the break.
-We see TBS do a REMARKABLE job of looking glassy eyed while the EMT checked him out. TOO glassy eyed if you ask me! Someone check his cigarettes for something OTHER than nicotine!
-Backstage, Jericho attacked HHH in his locker room.
-Chyna knocks down a fat guy. I'd make a joke about someone, but let CRZ deal with him for a change.
-Foot Locker is paying for this. So is a phone service AND Stackers. Say, where IS Eva Savalot?
-footage of that WILD Jericho/HHH fight.
-HHH is storming around, looking for Jericho. He can't wait two seconds for the match?
-He runs into Angle. Angle advises that he take anger managment classes. HHH shoves him and says, "This ain't the 'Real World: Seattle', Mother Fu**er!"
-Ross and Lawler eat up time until...
-we see Eddie and Chyna make a guest shot at WWF New York.
-Jericho's all set to fight. You can tell by the cute little sneer he has on his face.
-commercials
-and JUST in case you thought Russo challenging Rocker was the EPITOME of "mainstream"...
-we see how the Rock helped sell the WWF as an influential political source. Why am I the only one who so clearly realizes that a good chunk of this supposed 14 million audience is NOT OLD ENOUGH VOTE????
-alas... you and I are a part of the 14 million... welcome to the Machine.
-Kurt Angle comes out.
-Jericho comes out.
-Hunter comes out with Stephanie
-It's on.
-NO IT'S NOT!! Because we have to have the Rock come out to sit with the Announcers.
-NOW... it's on.
-HHH tosses Jericho out early. He and Angle shove each other.
-Jericho pops back in and bonks their heads together. Where's Shemp when you need him?
-Jericho cleans house.
-Meanwhile, Rocky is nowhere NEAR as enjoyable as Austin is when HE used to take a seat at the table.
-Jericho hits HHH with the Missile Dropkick. Angle breaks up the pin.
-Angle goes for the Olympic Slam, Jericho nicely flips through it and takes Kurt out. Jericho goes for the Walls.
-HHH takes a minute to enjoy Angle's misery
-HHH and Jericho fight. Jericho eats a knee.
-Rocky challenges King Kong to a match. (umm... Rocky?)
-Angle and HHH face off and mouth off. Lots of "off"s going on.
-Angle with a NICE belly to belly flip on Jericho.
-Finally, HHH and Angle fight... which HHH won.
-Jericho's back in and works on Angle
-Jericho had HHH down and Drop Toehold's Angle down into HHH's crotch.
-HHH tries a Pedigree. Jericho grabs the legs and sweeps HHH down. Jericho catapults HHH into the corner.
-Both HHH and Angle are down. Jericho does his Diving Board Reverse Flip on the Ropes... Sault. He hurt his ribs in the process.
-3H pushes the Ref into the ropes.. which crotches Jericho.
-HHH and Angle gives Jericho a Double Backdrop on the top rope.
-Both Angle and HHH placed an arm on Jericho. The Ref counts him. All three Announcers ask each other who won the damn thing.
-Stephanie steps in to break up HHH and Angle.
-Rocky announces that he's going to put an end to this silliness. (I liked it on Smackdown last week where X-Pac announced that he had to tie his shoe, then jumped in and helped Road Dogg. The he rejoined the Announcers and said, "What? I just had to tie my shoe!" I laughed)
-Rocky runs in and hands out Rock Bottoms.
-Stephanie slapped him.
-Stephanie tried to slap him again. Rocky caught her and gave her the Rock Bottom.
-Ross, "THE ROCK JUST ROCK BOTTOMED THE PRINCESS". (heh... love it when she gets called the Princess)
-The show ends with Rocky standing tall and Ross asking a myriad of questions concerning SummerSlam. Let's PRAY that they have it all figured out by the actual show.
GOOD... good show. AWESOME show.
LAWLER IS GOD... GODDAMMIT... whoa... excuse me... LAWLERDAMMIT!!!
Does Nitro have a chance? Sure. But I'm SICKENED by Russo already... sick of his hypocracy... sick of his desperation. Sick of not knowing what's real and what's worked anymore. I guess it's good, right?
Jesus, this recap is a friggin' novel. Hope you brought a lunch.
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